Last session I told her I was finally ready to talk about my childhood. My family. My history.
This session, after the general updates, we dove in.
And I broke open.
We talked about loneliness. We talked about coping mechanisms. We talk about feeling seen, and not. I realized I spent the majority of my adolescence telling myself I was fine being alone. Because that was what was expected of me. To fend for myself. It was okay if no one wanted to be with me. Extreme independence would save me from the ache of not belonging. I told people I was introverted. I loved being alone. But did I really? Was the core of who I think I am just develop out of survival mode? I didn’t want to be a burden. I never really felt like people wanted me. And it kept being confirmed as I went to college. I was second choice over and over again.
It still happens. And it hurts. But I tell myself to let it go. It’s fine. I’m fine on my own. I don’t need anyone. But then I turn resentful. To whom I’m not sure yet. Maybe me.
Something shifted inside me today. And I felt a little more free.